I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
