The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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