Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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