if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
