So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just found puke in my bra..
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
