Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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