Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
