he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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