I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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