my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
