the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
