Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
