Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
