I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
