cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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