I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Too much gin, very little bucket
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
