How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
