theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize