Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
