You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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