I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
