You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
