I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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