I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
