i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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