My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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