Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
