just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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