I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
