My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
