So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
