so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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