I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
