my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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