Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
