He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
