If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
