god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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