My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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