I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
