Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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