i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
