you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
