You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
