I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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