I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have feelings that need drinking.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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