Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
