Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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