Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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