Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
