May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
