Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
