I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
