Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
