Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
